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July 2002
The Inscrutable Mexican
By Dixie Davis

These inscrutable, enigmatic Mexicans, you say! Those unfathomable, obsidian eyes that give you no clue as to what's going on inside. Flat, impenetrable eyes that tell nothing, reveal no details, betray no emotions. Everywhere you go, everyone's smiling, but what do these smiles actually mean? When one Mexican is smiling at you, does another Mexican understand more about that smile than you do?

Why do you feel so gauche at moments when you are using your best Sunday manners? What kind of mysterious unspoken social codes lie just below the surface of our interactions with the Mexicans? Even the smallest children comprehend them with little or no guiding words from their elders, but an outsider can't get the hang of them - even with an intelligent and earnest Mexican friend as his guide. Is there some kind of conspiracy going on? Do these people, who seem so candid and straightforward, actually have a nation-wide secret life?

Who can answer these questions? No one thinks of himself as a specimen. Some Mexicans are anxious to explain their culture to foreigners, but what exactly are their motives for doing so? And won't these motives bias what they have to tell us? If a Mexican asks you a pointed question about your daily life - let's say he asks you why you never attend church - would it be easy for you to examine this and give him a detailed explanation that would fulfill his need to understand your culture?

Library shelves are crowded with books about Mexico. Why, then, do the things we read seem to have so little relation to what is going on around us when we are inside the country? Talking about stereotypes can easily lead us to the flowering fields of misinformation. Glittering generalities can blind us to the facts. But if we don't discuss what we have observed, we'll be even more lost.

If culture is the way in which people live their everyday lives, can't we just watch the Mexicans until we understand them? Will our watching change the way they behave? Is there a way to watch them without their feeling that they are under observation? When, where and how long will we have to observe them before we know we have some solid information?

I have been Mexican-watching for a considerable period of time - about 30 years - and I have spied on them as closely as I could. My concept of the culture is not a specific nor static one, but rather a vague and constantly changing notion of what's happening around me. One small detail remembered from years past often reinforces or negates what I think is occurring at the moment in the lives of my Mexican friends and associates and I then revise my personal idea of what Mexican culture is.

I didn't set out to examine their culture. This may have given me an advantage over those who did. Possibly I was privy to much inside information simply because I appeared not to be very curious. I have spent a lot of time with Mexican friends because I enjoy them. Their warmth and friendliness sparked a similar response in me. Also, I am by nature noncommittal, fairly tolerant of the idiosyncrasies of others and reluctant to ask people personal questions. I may have unwittingly been the exact combination of characteristics that put Mexicans at ease enough to reveal themselves more than they generally do. I appreciate the Mexican people very much and find it difficult to turn them into "specimens" in order to write this article.

In fact, I really wish every reader could "find his own Mexico" and urge him to do so. My advice on that is: put away your notebook. Don't look like some scientific, investigative type. Don't ask a lot of questions. Don't ask any questions at all if you can help it. Don't make any comments or give any advice. Relax your physical stance. Try to learn at least a few words of Spanish. Find some Mexican friends you like and settle right in to have a good time with them. Put the info you find out "on hold" for a while and don't be too quick to jump to any conclusions. Things are not always as they seem. Taking all this into consideration, I hesitantly describe what I have observed.

Understanding Mexicans means visiting (or observing) them en familia since the family is the core of existence for each individual. The highest compliments Mexicans have for their friends are not to call them amigo, but rather to call them hermano or have their children call them tío. Mexicans always call the children of their best friends hijo or hija, in the same way they address their own children. And they do the same for any child to whom they wish to show special affection or sympathy.

The word familia means much more to a Mexican than the word "family" means to an English-speaking person. Familia includes the extended family and also the in-laws. It also implies much more commitment and responsibility than the English word does. To a Mexican, the outside world is hostile. In general, he feels abused by his country's history and suspicious of its government. It's always "us" (the family) against "them" (the system). A Mexican"s family is his sanctuary, his safe haven and the place where he is always numero uno no matter what. He goes to his family for financial assistance, emotional support and advice on personal matters. He is also expected to help out with these same things. Even the most irresponsible Mexicans take this obligation very seriously. For instance, requests for help from long-lost relatives are usually attended to.

Family gatherings are frequent and include every family member who can possibly be there. Mexicans think nothing of asking time-off from work to attend a nephew's birthday party or the wedding of a three-times removed cousin. The obligation to be present at such events causes businessmen to cancel important appointments on a regular basis. Other businessmen understand perfectly and willingly change their schedules to accommodate them.

Mexicans have a wonderful time at these gatherings with their families. Any grudges or personal disputes are mostly put on the shelf for the occasion. There is hardly any generation gap. Older family members are thrilled to have the younger ones around them - even if they want to play rock and roll music at a loud volume. The grandparents couldn't be happier than to have them do it. The music doesn't irritate them in the least and they are overjoyed to see the youngsters having a good time. (The word for noise in Spanish, ruido, has a positive, rather than a negative connotation.)

The youngsters treat their elders with a great amount of respect and affection. They are solicitous regarding their every need, making sure they have a comfortable chair, bringing them food and drink and chatting with them about their interests. Young people in Mexico often dress as punk as their North American counterparts and they love pop music from both sides of the border; but it would simply never occur to a Mexican teenager to play loud music or dress in some odd way so as to challenge or irritate his parents. Respect for family far outweighs any desire for a show of independence. On the contrary, a Mexican's feeling of being a unique and special person in the outside world derives from the respect he gives and receives within the family.

Conversation is the main activity at family gatherings. Every detail of each person's life is carefully gone over and then rehashed. No one gets impatient with the fact that a lot of ground is covered several times. Lots of unsolicited advice is received and given. People enthusiastically open up about their inner feelings towards each other and the world in general. Art, music and literature are favorite subjects even in families with little formal education. Sports and gossip are also popular themes. Everyone gets a chance to express his opinion. People gesticulate, talk rapidly and excitedly, interrupt each other and raise their voices in a way that causes the uninitiated to think they are angry at each other, when they're actually just having a good time.

A great variety of music is played so that everyone gets to hear some of his favorites. Traditional songs are sung by old and young together. There's at least one guitar player in every family and he is greatly appreciated. Older brothers and sisters teach the younger ones to dance and often instruct them on other social graces they might need outside the home. But Mexicans are never more on their best manners anywhere than they are with their own family and friends.

Most families have had extensive everyday practice in successfully carrying out interpersonal relationships. Households usually contain quite a number of people who must work out their daily schedules, food preferences and so forth in an acceptable way. In most cases, it is not economically possible or socially acceptable for unmarried adult children to move out and live alone or with roommates in apartments. Indeed, anyone who lives or eats alone is looked on with pity by the rest of society.

Many married children and their spouses live with the parents for a few years until they are able to set up their own household. They often have their own children before this occurs and they are likely to live near their parents when they do move. Paid baby sitters are almost unknown here and grandparents happily accept the job without ever considering the possibility of refusing. In most big-city households there is a cousin or two who have come from the provinces to study or work. Very old and infirm family members are always cared for at home by their sons and daughters. If they have none, their nieces and nephews care for them.

Godparents are extremely important to the Mexican way of life. The padrino and madrina participate in the baptism and all the life-events of a child. They have a definite obligation to care for the child if something happens to its parents. People so chosen are usually good friends or relatives. Reciprocity in sharing these obligations between couples is customary. Social climbers tend to choose godparents of as high a social or economic status as they can. In these cases, the obligation is considered limited to helping the child with his education and with finding a job when he comes of working age. Other than this, the bonds between compadres and comadres are close, as between blood relatives.

The mother plays an important role in the lives of every family member and is crucial to settling disputes among them. She supervises her children's activities much more closely than her North American counterpart and feels a much bigger responsibility to be involved in every aspect of their lives even after they have become adults. Mexican mothers suffer incredibly for their children's sake and their wish is always their progeny's command. As children grow older, their fathers take more control of them. Teenagers don't earn privileges, but rather ask papá for permiso to go out at night.

For the most part Mexicans criticize their own government and political system quite harshly, but truly resent any outsider making negative comments about these. They also tend to say deprecating things about the Catholic Church and joke about their own lack of interest in the church, but don't care to have others comment on this. There are many professed non-practicing Catholics, but none of these refuse to observe saints' days, the sacraments of baptism, first communion, confirmation, marriage and burial within the church since to do so would be socially unacceptable. Most homes contain religious pictures, even if the homeowners are not particularly devout. Regular worshipers or not, employees miss work for conferences with their priest before marrying and for nine daily masses dedicated to the memory of a deceased friend or family member.

Most Mexicans have a confused or distorted idea of Protestantism. Their principal knowledge of this is from articles in Mexican newspapers about overzealous foreign missionary groups who behaved in a way, which offended Catholic sensibilities to the point where the Protestants became distrusted and were asked to leave the country. Explaining to Mexicans that your own Protestant faith is different from what they have been exposed to inside their country is generally an uphill job.

Behaving and dressing with dignity are important to all Mexicans. These reflect a Mexican's sense of self-worth and self-respect both of which he takes very seriously. Mexicans of every social class extend extremely considerate treatment to other social classes, races and nationalities. Religious and political tolerance is the norm.

Mexicans are very patient with obnoxious behavior on the part of others. This type of courtesy is considered good breeding or educación. In a conflictive situation, a Mexican is always more interested in showing his own good manners than revealing someone else's shortcomings.

Most Mexicans have a strong sense of appreciation of their own life and the lives of those around them. The idea is that every person is a unique individual and deserves to be treated with respect and decency. Ridicule, embarrassment and making fun of other's clothes, hairdos or friends are not generally acceptable. The type of North American "sick jokes" that make fun of the handicapped, retarded, or minority groups is nonexistent. On the other hand, jokes that Mexican think are particularly funny may seem inordinately gross and smutty to outsiders.

Mexicans are nearly obsessed with good grooming and consider it much more important than punctuality. They arrive for important occasions dressed as formally as they can, shoes shined, haircut and drenched in their favorite after-shave. For women, being attractive and feminine takes priority over comfort. Although children and young people imitate many things they see on TV from the states, their preference in clothing is generally conservative like their parents. Private life tends to be much more formal than north-of-the-border. Beach clothes are not usually worn around the house. People do not kick off their shoes and put their feet up on the coffee table at their own home, much less at friend's. Being in good shape is not very important to Mexicans, but physical fitness is catching on more and more. In most places in Mexico an acceptable weight is ten to twenty pounds more than in the U.S., but sloppy dress is always considered offensive.

Mexicans are hard working people, but never lose sight of the fact that work is a means of gaining economic power to enjoy life with friends and family. They do not believe that hard work will strengthen their character. Most male professionals have a distinct dislike for manual labor and consider it much better to hire help for home repairs, yard work and cleaning than to get involved in a "do-it-yourself" project which they consider a complete insanity.

It is generally thought that having connections pays off more than working hard and so far this has been true of the Mexican system. Working your way up on your own is difficult, almost impossible. There is very open and acceptable use of personal contacts. In fact, foreigners who find it distasteful to use them get bawled out for not doing so. A Mexican's first thought on resolving almost any problem will be to use some personal connection. Most foreigners feel like they're wasting time looking for a contact and that going through channels must be easier and faster, but it usually isn't. A contact is almost always more effective for bypassing bureaucratic red tape, speeding up complicated paperwork and for getting contracts or appointments.

Life moves at a much more relaxed pace than even foreign residents who have been here a long time can get used to. Some of the more modern Mexicans also find this difficult. Promptness, punctually and time-efficiency are not the least bit important for the majority of Mexicans. They not only arrive late, but also tend to overstay appointments and social gatherings.

People who arrive late at business meetings always interrupt to greet everyone personally and usually take up some more time explaining why they were late. Ten to fifteen minutes late for business meetings or lunch dates is considered to be on time. For ordinary evening social gatherings, one hour to an hour and a half late is the norm. Arriving exactly on time would be considered an imposition to the host or hostess. Being "fashionably late" for an evening event means arriving about three hours late.

Mexicans like to make fun of themselves for being late and often promise to do better in the future, but with little intention of ever doing so. Being late is not considered a bad habit. It has more to do with what is considered a pleasant and reasonable philosophy of life: letting unexpected events set the rhythm of the day.

Anyone who displays impatience is considered rude (and even a little weird). Most Mexicans don't even catch on to the idea that taking up someone else's time is an imposition. They not only cannot understand what makes the norteamericanos blow their stacks when deadlines are missed, but also find that kind of reaction singularly amusing.

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